Our Need For A Tribe.

Every one of us craves the feeling of belonging, by nature we are communal or tribal, it is built into us to be in relationship with others. Think back over the course of your life and you will see this play out in different ways- the group of friends you spent most of your school days with, the sports team you became bonded with, if you belong to a church community, your dance class or music group; every one of these groups became in essence your “tribe”, you did life together, helped each other when one of you was in need, shared the hurts and joys in your life; whether it was just for a season or years. We are communal in nature, in many cultures the women would all gather together in the kitchen to cook and share life, help with children (the old saying “it takes a village”) they knew the value and need to be part of a community.

This instinct to belong to a tribe goes back to as long as humans have existed, there was a time that being part of a tribe was a necessary part of your survival – if you wandered off and tried to be “independent” of your tribe- good luck.

In this modern age we have wandered far from this tribe mentality as being necessary for our survival; we push ideas about being independent and looking out for yourself, the idea of “every man for themselves”. While there is nothing wrong with being your own person and not conforming to others around you, we have lost something in the process, we have lost our connection to something bigger than ourselves, we have lost our primal instinct to help others and be in connection, to grow together and keep each other accountable. This loss of our tribe has created a lot of personal islands where we have too much pride to ask others for help, we suffer alone and in silence with our hurts.

One of the first questions I ask my clients with depression is “what does your community look like”, depression tells us to isolate- which in turn makes us more depressed and want to isolate even more; one of the first and best things you can do to help with your depression is find support, gather around people, be in community. Historically those who were part of a tribe and lived and did life as a community reported lower rates of depression and suicide; so if your depression tells you to be alone, don’t. Your tribe may look like your family, group of friends, community group at church; for those who may not have those as an option I highly encourage finding a community to be a part of at your church, or a shared interest group.  Finding your tribe is an important and necessary part of your mental and emotional health.

The Teenage Brain

Quick question for those of you raising an adolescent or teenager: Have you ever Noticed your teen making good decisions and being mature one minute, then acting irrational, emotional and immature the next? I’m guessing most of you were nodding your head “yes” as you read this. Well, you are not alone, and it’s not just normal, it’s to be expected. Too often we hear people using that catch-all phrase “They’re just a teenager” which can lead to either misunderstandings, fighting, strain on the relationship, your teen feeling more angry or sad. Trust me, they are just as frustrated as you are. All of this to say, they don’t often want to be so irrational or emotional, but the truth is:

 Their brain is still under construction

To give you an idea, by the time they’re six, their brains are already about 90-95% of adult size. But the brain still needs a lot of remodeling before it can function as an adult brain.  Adolescence is a time of significant growth and development inside the teenage brain, continuing into their mid-twenties. The front part of the brain, the prefrontal cortex, is remodeled last. The prefrontal cortex is the decision-making part of the brain, responsible for your child’s ability to plan, make choices and think about the consequences of actions, impulse control, solve problems. Changes in this part continue into early adulthood.

Because the prefrontal cortex is still developing, teenagers might rely on a part of the brain called the amygdala to make decisions and solve problems more than adults do. The amygdala is associated with emotions, impulses, aggression and instinctive behavior.  This is why you may notice your teen’s thinking and behavior being mature one moment, and then completely illogical, impulsive or overly emotional the next moment.  The back-to-front development of the brain is the reason for the shifts in mood and behavior, teenagers are working with brains that are still under construction!

Now, all of this is not to excuse their behavior, an important part of healthy brain development is to learn about things like impulse control, regulating emotions, making choices, consequences to actions etc… This is where you come in, your role is so important during this time of brain development, teaching them about healthy risks and how to understand their emotions, being patient with them in moments that you now understand are coming from a place of not being fully developed yet.  With patience and understanding, balanced with teaching, guidance and loving correction, your teen has a better chance of their brain developing healthy.

Love and the Brain

Is love something you can see? Or measure? Is there a way for us to “show” what love is or how it works? Asking someone what love is can be subjective, for some they will describe love as a “feeling”, butterflies in their stomach, dizzy, sweaty palms; for others Love is an action, it is something you do and work at constantly. If we were to expand the question to where they feel love, you may get responses like “my heart, my stomach, my soul”, but I would almost guarantee you that no one you ask will tell you they feel love in their brain; so would it surprise you to learn that love does have a neurological component?

           A study done at Harvard medical school showed that in an fMRI the areas of our brain associated with dopamine (our “feel good” neurotransmitter) were activated during romantic love as well as a part directly linked to dopamine (the ventral tegmental, which is known as the brains reward circuit) In other words, love makes us literally feel good and motivates us to pursue more of that feeling. The other parts of our brain that are linked to behavior that induce pleasure are the amygdala, the hippocampus, and the prefrontal cortex, they are especially triggered by things such as sex, food, alcohol and drug use; the same reaction our brain has to things like alcohol and drugs is the same reaction our brain has to sex and feelings of love. When we fall in love our brain is flooded with chemicals associated to the reward system of the brain, this leads to a physical response (remember the whole sweaty palms, racing heart feelings people describe?) it also leads to feelings of passion and even levels of stress or anxiety.

            Anyone who is a parent may have heard of the hormone oxytocin, it is a hormone released during pregnancy and nursing, it is often referred to as the love hormone or the attachment hormone because it can bring a feeling of attachment or calmness. This oxytocin is also released during sexual or romantic encounters, which is why we can feel attached to someone after being intimate with them, so when people try and tell you that they can have casual sex without getting attached in some way? Neurologically impossible.

For many couples they fear losing those feelings as the relationship matures, some will refer to it as "getting comfortable", and while it is important to not have our relationship be centered around those romantic or passionate feelings, it is an important part of the relationship, and it is a myth that those things have to fade away as the years go by. So what happens after our dopamine rush fades? Enter Vasopressin, this is linked to what we would call long-term love, it is directly associated with the parts of our brain that create a monogamous relationship- so as passionate love fades, long term attachment grows. 

So how does this understanding of love and the brain help us? Well, if our brain can create neural pathways that impact how we think, act, feel and respond, and we have the capacity to create new neural pathways, then we have the ability to rekindle old feelings of passion in a relationship even after years of being together. I have talked with many people in and out of relationships who fear not being in the “early passionate stage” with their significant other, our brain shows that not only does our brain have the capacity to deepen our commitment and attachment to one another, but our brain is so fantastic that we can actually reunite the neural pathways associated with our passion for one another, so those couples that tell you they are more in love than ever after 30 years of marriage? Believe them!

Depression and Suicide

Recently I was fortunate enough to speak for a group of High-school students and their youth leaders on the topic of Depression and Suicide. This is such an important issue that is all around us right now, it can be an overwhelming amount of information to ingest so as promised, I have uploaded some of that information here, also take a look at my Resources page for books that are helpful when dealing with Depression. 

Some recent statistics on Teens and Depression/Suicide:

• As of 2015, 3 Million Teens in U.S. (12-17) had at least one Major Depressive Episode.
• Currently Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for 15-29 yr olds.
• Biggest link to Depression/Suicide/Anxiety among girls age 12-17 was cyber-bullying.
• In 2015 rates were more than double that of guys the same age (19.5% girls, 5.8% guys)

Difference between Sadness & Depression:

• Sadness is a normal human we all experience, something difficult or emotionally hurtful happens and we feel sadness, usually after time our sadness fades, sometimes the difficult situation passes or we adjust or move on.

• Depression is long term, it impairs all parts of our life and messes with our thinking, our emotions, our behaviors. And it doesn’t have to come from a difficult situation, sometimes there is no trigger for it, your life could be totally fine and depression can still happen.

Symptoms of Major Depressive Episode:

• 5 or More of these lasting 2 weeks or more
• Causing significant impairment in work, home, school, relationships.

1.Depressed or low mood most of the time

2.Loss of pleasure in most things, even ones you used to find joy in

3.Significant changes in weight or appetite

4.Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much

5.Feeling restless or slowed down in your physical movements

6.Feeling tired, sluggish or low energy most days

7.Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt

8.Trouble concentrating, thinking, focusing or ability to make decisions

9.Thoughts of dying or suicide

Causes of Depression:

•Stress (School, family, relationships. Also,People with low self-esteem and who become overwhelmed with stress easier are more likely to experience depression)

•Trauma• Loss/Grief

•Genetics or Brain Chemistry (Depression can run in families which can increase your risk for depression. Chemical's may not be working the way they should in our brain)

•Medical Issues

•Substance Use (Big link to Depression with substance use. Abusing substances can lead to depression, or often we "self-medicate" with substances to deal with stress or in a social setting, and this can create a depression from over use. Sometimes the things we think are bringing us relief are actually causing us more depression)

Untreated Depression can lead to Higher Risk of:

• Substance abuse •Self-Harm •Suicide • Sexual acting out •Problems in school (unable to focus, be motivated, retain information) •Problems with family and relationships

Difference between Self-Harm and Suicide:

Biggest difference involves Intent.

Self-Harm does not have intention to die, seeks to cope with emotional pain, can be a "punishment" to self, used as an escape, 

Suicide has intention of wanting to die, sees no other option, comes from place of hopelessness, no longer want to cope.

Depression IS treatable:

•Therapy

•Medication

•Combo of both

•Diet, Exercise, Sleep, Journaling, Community, Tapping into Faith

How to help a friend who is dealing with Depression:

•Remind them they’re important to you and not alone

•Be there •Be patient •Encourage them to get help

•Believe them •Be honest if you don’t understand, but that you’re there to listen

•Show compassion

DON'T:

•Make it about you •Minimize

•Point out other people have it worse •Tell them Life’s hard and not fair

•Tell them they aren’t depressed

•Tell them to just Pray more

It is important to recognize the signs within ourselves, and our friends. Are they using words like hopeless, using words like suicide, isolating, fixated on death. Most importantly remember it is not your job to take on their burden, but sometimes it’s the ones closest to the person hurting who are going to see the warning signs and can get them help. Don’t ever hesitate to tell someone, a parent, a teacher, your youth leader or pastor, give them the number to suicide prevention hotline so they can reach out to someone. Let them know they are loved and you are here to help them get through this, even if you don’t have the answers.

** Please feel free to reach out (my contact info is under the contact page) if you are dealing with Depression, and are interested in seeing myself or another therapist ( I can help connect you with someone) or need more information about anything mentioned in this blog post.